i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
