The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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