Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
