1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
