I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize