She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
