This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
