There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
