CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I'm passing your future prison.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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