Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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