omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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