I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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