Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Randomize
