hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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