3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Randomize
