oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
