Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Randomize
