how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
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