apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
