I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
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