We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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