Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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