from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize
