so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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