i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
