I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
