Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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