It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
