I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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