Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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