I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
