and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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