Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
As shirtless as possible
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
we're so committed to being not committed
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
