How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Randomize
