Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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