In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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