I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I would fuck him just for his dog
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
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