I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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