Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
