yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
