i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize