When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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