I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
