at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
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