Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
