Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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