Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
