the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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