If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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