Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
