I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
