I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
