This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
