K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
