So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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