i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
