wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
