I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I AM VODKA MAN
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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