when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
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