if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
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