I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
