So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Randomize
