i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
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