Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
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