Who wears a wallet chain?!
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
