I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
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